Over the years, we've received advice from big sisters, friends, aunties, and coworkers. When Ashanti asked, “What’s love?”, I didn’t quite understand her message until my first heartbreak.
We're often told what love is supposed to look and feel like when it's right and we've found "the one." But how do we navigate from the broken, failed talking stages to our nikkah? Allah SWT always has the answer. Seek solace in salah to heal from heartbreak, and for the journey of getting back up... well, that's where I come in.
As we strive to heal and be "better" than our parents in learning to love correctly, we find that there isn't one definite answer. But through our journey as hopeful romantics, we at Halal Harmony Canada have discovered a few insights we can all agree on.
Learn.
As humans, we are creatures of habit. I'm sure you've heard stories from friends or coworkers about relationships where “once a cheater, always a cheater” rings true. While this notion often holds, people should be given the benefit of the doubt when they’ve truly earned it in your life. Allowing someone to repeatedly hurt, lie, or manipulate you isn't giving them the benefit of the doubt; it’s a lack of love and trust in your own ability to thrive after leaving them.
Change is difficult, but with any rule, there are exceptions. Just like in every lottery, there are winners. We have to face the reality that we might not be special enough to be the person another changes for. This isn’t a Nicholas Sparks moment; it’s more of a Lifetime movie scenario. The sooner we learn and adapt our dating habits, the faster our learning curve. The quicker the learning curve, the closer we are to finding our Naseeb.
What separates us from animals is our ability to reason and learn from our mistakes. This allows us to rewrite how we act and react to others' abuse, disrespect, or neglect. We control how others treat us. Let’s break the cycle, not just with different people but entirely. Understand that love doesn’t have to be painful or toxic to make you feel something. True love should uplift and nurture, not hurt and diminish.
2. Observe.
This one has the biggest impact on how fast you exit a toxic situation. As a child from a broken home, I learned to be hypervigilant. While it can be beneficial, it can also hinder our growth. For those who can't relate, imagine being in a room filled with people and being aware of every cough, conversation, movement, and annoyed facial expression. It's a form of overthinking where your brain doesn't shut off. When something triggers you, your fight-or-flight response kicks in immediately. Hypervigilance affects us differently, but the shift in us can be as fast as a cat falling from a tree.
When we're deeply attached to the idea of love or even intensely infatuated, we often fail to see people for who they truly are. The saying, "Believe them when they show you who they are," couldn't be more accurate. Allah SWT has blessed us with intellect, Alhamdulillah. Recognizing red flags but choosing to ignore them not only keeps us in haram but also prolongs the hurt.
Keep a journal log of both memorable moments and triggering ones. When you reflect and write down something that made you uncomfortable but couldn't quite pinpoint, having it documented in ink can remind you of what happened and help you be vigilant if it occurs again in the future.
3. Volatile.
Knowing when to walk away from a situation or person that hurts us more than they can love us can be difficult. The first step to this is learning to love yourself. If you do not value or treat yourself as less than. Someone will also treat you with the same energy. The notion here is if you walk the talk, and talk the talk most people are sheep and will follow by example. This is the blueprint of your life, you show people how you would like to be treated. If you treat yourself poorly you are only giving them a chance to lower the bar.
We find ourselves in toxic situations with no way out. Some of us attract narcissists, some attract users, and some attract abusers. While we can't always change the type of people we attract, we can change what we choose to accept in terms of love from our partners. The bottom line is that everyone knows how they treat you, and you decide when to end the cycle.
4. Experience.
Last but not least... LIVE! Remember, this Dunya is a test, so don’t go overboard, but make sure you enjoy the pockets of beauty that life offers. There’s a lot of bad in the world, but there’s also immense beauty when you share it with the right people. Take that solo travel trip, cut the hair you’ve been growing since you were a teenager, marry that brother from a different culture than yours. Life isn’t worth the reward if there aren’t mistakes along the way.
If you haven’t noticed, the previous words spell LOVE. From mistakes, we grow. Our goal is to become the person we wished we had by our side during the trials Allah SWT put us through. Inshallah, with every heartbreak, may you grow closer to the person you are meant to be with. Say Ameen.
Love and heartbreak in Islam
Is there anything you wish you could have done differently in your last relationship?
Beautifully written, love it 😍
I love this <3